Horns of a Dilemma

I know that I agonize over every little medium-sized dilemma in my life like the decision I make will change the fate of the universe, but I like to make sure that I consider all the stakeholders and all the implications of each option. It does make for rather exhausting deliberations.

And now I am wrestling with another.

So, I love to learn and am planning to take courses on teaching for eternity, but having to keep deciding what courses to take. One might think its easy, take what interests you. That is definitely a good point, BUT... I have this idea in my head about where we are going as a family and I am not sure if taking what I love (although it would be most enjoyable) is going to be smart in terms of keeping myself employable.

In the past year and a half, the responsibility of earning money in our family has gone from a shared role between LK and I to my role. LK has taken on the full-time family management role. It has been a change that enabled us to slow down and enjoy our kids and one another much more than the busy juggling we used to do with two jobs. However, I have begun to appreciate the pressure that so many parents (single-income, or single-parents) feel in providing financially for their families.

I have spent the summer convinced that I really want to move back to southern Ontario to be closer to family and friends, and enjoy cheap groceries and gas (as well as VV and Winners, of course). Now that we are home again, I am not so sure.


I like my job. I like the people I work with. We have a really nice little home. We are starting to build a sense of community; the librarians welcomed us back when we first walked in (we have a bit of an unusual relationship with books and libraries in this family)! There were big smiles of welcome as we ran into neighbours from here in Grassy.

To be employable 'down south' I need to get my FSL course. That means passing an entrance exam in a week and a half. I am completely panicked somewhat concerned about passing that and about the work it will take to wade through the course, in which most of the required reading are in French. There is an element of my fear of failing in this reluctance, I admit. There is also a fear of ending up with a teaching subject on my resume that I am only really pursuing in order to get a job. I really don't want to be a French teacher. I really love being a classroom teacher. I love literacy and writing and books.

Now LK has made it clear that he supports whatever course of action I want to follow; security (or the illusion of it) or my passion. This is a dilemma that pinpoints the very core dichotomy of my being; the conflict between safety and risk.

Well now, that brings another element. Did I not spend the end of the school year promising myself that I would take those risks that I had been avoiding for years because of the "what ifs"? I was then thinking of trying to do something at which I may well fail. But now I think perhaps that following my passion is also a risk.

And perhaps I am driving myself mad with this navel-gazing over-analysis! But, if I am taking the FSL I have to register by tomorrow. If not, then I can relax a bit and register for another course.

Perhaps the most important aspect of making this decision has been left out of my whole process. I think because I am afraid that if I leave it up to Him, He will send me along a path that is not the one I want to take.

Still no solution...