Yo-Yo

This morning I went to work.  I met with two teachers about their kiddos.  I was so impressed by both of them.  They know their kiddos really well.  A sure sign of a caring teacher.  And they both are striving hard to differentiate so that each kiddo has the change to succeed in their learning.  I was so thrilled to be able to work with people like this.  Another colleague has been wrestling with her class's service project for the holidays; materials that weren't what she ordered.  She came in to share, with a great big smile, how she solved the problem.  She anticipates a successful service project.  That is really important to her kiddos.  My little kiddo who I work with 1:1 had a really great morning, finding things to laugh about with me throughout our whole session together.  I am completely in love with my job!

This afternoon I went to Town and had an interview for another job.  I completely bombed it.  I spent the entire drive home shaking myself and stiffening my upper lip to keep from crying.  Why?  I am sure the interview committee turned to one another wondering who that fool was and why on earth she thinks she is qualified for the job after I left the room.  That is definitely part of it.  I don't want the job.  That is more of it.

But I feel so much pressure right now.  To be a good parent.  To provide my own Sprouts with the best possible opportunity for learning and success.  To have a house that actually belongs to us (equity, equity, equity). And all that seems to require that I work in Town rather than on the Rez.  So I keep applying for jobs and I grieve in advance for the day when I will have to say goodbye to my kiddos here.

I pray for guidance.  I pray that God will align my will to His.

And all I feel is a stronger desire to stay right here.