One Down

When I was a girl I spent time drawing dream houses. I used graph paper and diligently copied the style of 'architectural drafting' that I saw in the plans that my dad was always using for work. I had my dream house, dream barn (complete with 4 horses), and even landscaped that entire acreage of dream land that "we" would own.

I planned a spouse, who was to be neither a carpenter nor a pastor, and two children, a boy and a girl. I planned to live somewhere vaguely out of town. I planned to be a stay-at-home-mother and have playdates with my sisters and their kids, who I planned to live right down the road from.

What is the saying? Something like, "Man makes plans and God laughs." Well he sure has had some chortles over my wishful plans.

I never dreamed of moving to the biggest city in the country and falling in love with its diversity and flavour. I never planned on finding deep fulfillment in my profession. I never imagined the depth of joy that my marriage has brought. I never guessed at the wonder that having Sprouts of my own would awake in me. I never imagined living in the bush (literally) and soaking in the peace of star-filled skies and loonsong.

I love my family - adore them to bits, in fact. I am passionate about my job - perhaps to an extreme. We have a cosy house that feels like home, and even hope to own one of our own someday. The really important parts of my wishful dreams have been granted to me beyond my wildest imagination.

But the horses, the sister-down-the-road, etc. they are a distant memory of wishful thinking.

Over the years that childhood dream for sisters as neighbours has haunted me. In the past five years, it has been particularly present in the back of my mind. At first it was because I had turned to the dark side and become a city slicker (no, all Canadian do not hate Toronto). Recently because I have felt guilty for taking my kids away from their grandparents and loving aunties and uncles and cousins and such.

For year I felt like I should be and have something with my "growing up family" that I just don't have. And I have always felt like it was something wrong with me.

But I realized on the weekend that it's not me. This is the way it is supposed to be. How else could my allegiance to my husband and kids be strong enough to withstand the struggles of daily life except that I let go of the allegiances of my childhood? It is put pretty plainly in Mark 10:7-8. One set of loyalty must always trump the other.

So no more apologizing for letting go of the people who were my "growing up family". I love them. I always will, but I have left to build my own family to "grow up". My loyalty must lie with them, unwaveringly.

One personal growth issue down. Only a million more to go...