What Happened to the Music?

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." -Brendan Francis

Two staff members moved to town this weekend. Both of whom are not returning to work here in Grassy next year, and are ready to be part of a larger community or back home. It was difficult to watch them load up and drive away. As much as I love my job and feel that what I am doing in the classroom is important, the memories of our years in Willowdale are echoing strongly in a big empty heart this afternoon.

I remember whenever I was having a hard day dealing with either the social conflicts among my students or tensions at school, I would shut the door at the end of the day and sit down at the piano. It was soul-cleansing to sing my frustration and confusion away. I always came home more cheerful for having the time to do that. Sometimes, if it was a particularly difficult day in the classroom, we would stop in class and spend some time singing- the focus on praising God always shifted our focus from ourselves and the emotions roiling through the room. Then we could regroup and move on again. I miss having a piano in my classroom and the space to use it during and after school.

I realized this afternoon that I have not sung wholeheartedly for months. My heart aches with that. Singing has been my prayer life, my conversation with God on a level that I have never been able to find with only words. Sometimes I have felt that when I am lost in the sound, feeling, and mood of the music heaven pours into the room and light is brighter. I want my sunlight back.

"Music has charms to soothe the savage breast
To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. " -William Congreve

14

I got a phone call from a woman who has been a Prayer Warrior for LK and I over the past several years. She calls every now and then out-of-the-blue to touch base and see how we are doing. Her calls are anticipated joyfully as she always has wisdom to share and a very kind ear that listens to our struggles. She is very much an adopted mother to LK and I and an adopted Oma to our children.

This morning she was wondering how we are doing and what the plan is for next year. We chatted for a bit about the plan to stay here and our hopes for the future. She promised to pray for us as we prepare for another year in Grassy, and as we also prepare for where God will lead us next. I covet her prayers like no other's as her prayers have been very instrumental in finding direction for us in the last three years.

That conversation made me reflect on the people who have become a part of our lives that have made a lasting impact. I am so thankful for the treasure of friendship that withstands distance and personal growth issues. People who can be themselves in all their imperfection, and can stand to be with me in mine without being scared off at the broken humanity we all show in real relationships. I long with all my soul to enjoy the sweetness of fellowship in person; curling up with a cup of tea and sharing burdens, laughing at our children's antics, walking together and enjoying summertime.

I particularly miss the women who have been my sisters in faith. They have spent hours on the phone with me this year helping me work through the struggles of a huge change in my life. Now I look forward to being with them in person and the extra layer of richness that brings to fellowship. Memories of long talks in the car after a night of scrapping; scrap nights with little actual scrapping done, but hearts poured out and struggles heard and wrestled with; time at the park with kids playing together, and parents pushing swings while sharing their own thoughts; meals around a table filled with good food, cooked with love and a passion for flavour and texture with conversation vibrant and warm- these are all bits of life down south that I look forward to tasting again.

16

I took a medical day to get LK's eyes checked at the optometrist. He is on his last set of lenses and can't wait until July or he will be without contacts. The optometrist was lovely and it looks like LK's eyes are stabilizing. This means that he may be a candidate for Lasik surgery in the future. Woohoo! That means no more glasses. On the way home we figured out how many years of wearing contacts and glasses it would take to pay for the surgery. Less than 10. Hmmmm! Sadly he has to go back in two weeks for the 'drops' appointment which means another day off work to drive him home because the drops make his pupils dilate for several hours and he can't drive. We hoped that would be part of today's appointment. There are some parts of living in a semi-remote location that are just not fun. Oh well, that one counts as 'compassionate leave' as it is for LK not me.

We have 5 sick days a year here, which is by far the fewest number of sick days I have ever heard of for teachers. 20 is standard. I usually use about three in a year plus a few part days for medical appointments that cannot be scheduled outside the school day. This year, due to having to take an entire day for anything that requires being in town for business hours (anything medical or banking or taxes or...) I have used all 5 and then some of my "Compassionate leave" days (we have 6) for appointments for the rest of the family. I am so glad that we are healthy for the most part. I pray that we stay that way.

17

Things are weird around here. People seem to be a bit sick of each other; I guess nine months of forced social intimacy can be a bit hard. We are all looking forward to seeing friends and family down south. Every day I arrive at school, someone is counting down...17 school days left.

Fiona is going on her big end-of-year field trip with her class next week. Classes have been fundraising all year towards this trip, which is a tradition here in Grassy. We shall see. They are taking the school bus to Winnipeg to visit the zoo. It will be a very long day with lots of noise on the bus. I anticipate a very tired and cranky little girl to arrive at home. However, they have the next day off to recover from the 6-hour ride. As a mom I am somewhat apprehensive about a 6-hour bus ride and a full day of zoo tours for my 5 year old. It may be more than she can handle. Or, it may be the most exciting day of the year for her.

Home

They say that home is where your heart is, etc. Well, home is definitely wherever my DH and little people are. It was so lovely to come home from three days away to big hugs from Fiona, who was waiting up, and a long catching-up conversation with my DH. I am not sure that anything competes with curling up with a cup of tea in the arms of a loved one and really hashing through your day. Not even chocolate.

Yesterday afternoon we all ended up on the front porch or lawn enjoying the late afternoon sun together. LK turned to me and said, "No matter where we go, I don't think we will ever find a view this amazing again." I agree. I told him that I wanted him to take a fabulous shot of the view that I can get blown up into a poster to hang on our living room wall for our next home (which probably won't have a waterfront view). So he started musing about where he could get the best view and angle. He thought perhaps the roof...

This morning we had a slow start to the day as I had a massive migraine last night and we were all feeling a bit tetchy. Jo has another cold and is using Kleenex every three minutes to staunch the river of snot flowing out of him. LK and I both went for runs in the morning sunshine- separately of course, so someone was home with the little people. We really do live in a gorgeous place. And there is nothing so beautiful as spring after six long months of snow.

Conferences

I got home last night from three days in Winnipeg at the "Lighting the Fire" conference put on by the Manitoba First Nations Education Resource Center. It was a great time of learning and so nice to be in a city for a few days. I felt right at home.

I went with a colleague and we had a wonderful time getting to know one another better. She was a gracious host to me as it was my first First Nations conference. I was encourages to see strong parallels between the efforts of First Nations communities in building a culture-affirming school community with the efforts of the immigrants who built the Christian schools in Ontario in the 1950s and '60s. Many of the motivations are similar; a desire to protect a culture with its faith and language, a desire to raise their children within the context of their own value system, to avoid assimilation into the larger Canadian culture. It was also wonderful to be a part of the celebrations of success. We attended the Maria Ross Memorial Awards banquet and were able to observe reflection on four Native educators who were honoured for their work in building Native education.

More later, must go and get ready for a day in town with the family.

Guest Post by LK - Lyrics of the Day

When she smiles or they call me Daddy
All the worries of the world just seem to fade away
I'm alive and I know what matters
If this is all I ever have
Well, that's ok
'Cause I'm a rich man

Artist: Paul Brandt
Song: Rich Man
Album: This Time Around

Contrasts

Only two days ago it was below zero and snowing. This morning I was peeling off layers for my run thinking perhaps I should have worn shorts. The trees appear to have been waiting until that (perhaps last) blast of winter was over before bursting with leaves that make the branches green lace against the bluest sky on the earth.

Only a week and a half ago LK and I were agonizing over what to do for September. We discussed, we researched, we pro'ed, and we conn'ed. Then we made our decision to stay and all the chaos and stress faded away. Peace, or maybe acceptance, has descended on our hearts for the moment and we breathe deeply knowing we can revel in the blessings of this place for a little longer.

We can look forward to a summer filled with the richness of fellowship with family and friends- who we have missed more than I know how to express this past ten months- instead of frantically packing, moving and manically trying to get another AQ and a job in the next 12 weeks.

Now that we have committed for another year we are working on thinking ahead. We know that Grassy is not a place where we can put down roots; we are just guests here. However, we do know that our time here in Grassy is changing us. We are learning different priorities and establishing new patterns of behaviour- with one another and with others.

We long to set down roots- preferably somewhere that is a reasonable distance from our families and those friends that are honorary family. However they all live in different parts of the province now... so it opens many possibilities.

We know we have made the right decision for now and anticipate lots of challenges and growth in the next year. But our main focus today is on the few short weeks left before we get to spend time with those we love most. Only 5 weeks until summer!

Too Soon

Clearly I spoke too soon because three hours ago the rain turned to snow. Grrrrr! I am trying to relive memories of Victoria Day weekend spent lying in the sun, or wandering around downtown TO in short sleeves. I guess it is as good a night as any for a movie and popcorn. I wonder what LK brought home from the library today...

Upswing

The trees are getting leaves, hopefully today we are seeing the last bit of snowfall, and next week I am going to a conference in Winnipeg for three days. Three whole days of learning about teaching! And, I am staying in a hotel with a tv. Two whole evenings of being able to watch tv! Hmmm! I wonder if there is a Project Runway season underway...

Guest Post by LK - Black Bear

Black bear, black bear, what do you see?
I see a photographer looking at me...(apologies to Eric Carle)

EK posted a few days ago on Facebook that we saw a bear down in the yard, but by the time I got outside with the camera, it had moved off. I, of course, debated going after it (went through a list in my head of who would miss me: EK, FK, maybe JK, my folks and in-laws; hmm, kind of short), decided to not chase it.

Well, as luck would have it, today as I was reading on the front porch during JK's nap, a lumbering black bear came out between the two houses and approached the closest food source (the garbage bin in front of AG's and PB's house). My first thought was "Glad JK is napping or else he would have gone over to pet the bear" and my second thought was "Great, now I have more yardwork to do". I grabbed my camera (always by my side) and grabbed a few captures. The bear pushed open the bin, took out some garbage and left with it. I thought that was it, so went back to reading. The next thing I know, the bear had circled the house and came back for more. This time it ripped apart the the top of the bin (!), climbed inside and came out with lots of garbage. I took a few more pics and this time, crazily enough, followed the bear (although with an eye on our open front door). Took a few more pics before the bear came too close for comfort, then went inside to watch from there.

Photographer's side note: It was the worst time of day to take pics as the sun was directly overhead. My "blinkies", or highlights, for those non-photographers were going crazy even when I under-exposed. So the pics look washed out. Sigh. It wasn't like I could ask the bear to come back at golden hour and pose...

Not everyday you have a bear in your front yard. Needless to say, JK is awake now, banging on the front door (from the inside) wanting to go out...not going to happen today, little man. Going to have to check the bin carefully from now on before putting any garbage in it. Oh, and AG and PB - check your surroundings before getting out of your vehicles!

LK

Update: So, as I was uploading this blog post and pics to flickr, our internet died. ARRGH! I could do without technology...well, not really. Anyway, today I'm sitting at the Kenora library trying to upload the rest of the pics on flickr with JK in my lap going crazy and boneless (like the little girl in "Knufflebunny"). The pics are in the slideshow and if you click on the pics it will take you to the flickr site (I hope). Enjoy! LK

Fighting the Blues

Okay, it has been a very long week. We have been praying for clarity about next year and I just keep getting more discouraged and confused. I long for the God of the OT right now who will tell me flat out what to do.

Jo got sick with a horrible cold this week. Well, actually LK and Fi have it too, but they are on the mend. I finally took him into the clinic on Thursday morning after our second sleepless night with him crying and coughing/barking. The nurse thought she heard something in his left lung and suggested that I take him in to get a chest x-ray in town. While we were at the clinic I mentioned that I had experiences a really horrible bout of indigestion the day and a half before- she thought it sounded like a gall bladder attack; and I should definitely get that looked at.

Since I had just spent most of the day before in town I didn't have the stamina (or the attention after two sleepless nights) to go in on Thursday. I also knew that we had to go in Friday for a follow-up to my appointment from Wednesday. So we went on Friday.

We spent 5 hours in the Kenora emergency room, which is staffed with gracious nurses, and a harried, but kind ER doctor. Jo had healed enough that his lungs were clear; he was cranky and sick, but just a cold... although the rash on his face may be chicken pox. If it turns out to be, please don't bring him back... We are waiting to see what happens with his spots.

After blood tests, urine tests and an abdominal ultra-sound (which is not nearly as exciting when you are not looking for a baby in there) I was told that I have an ulcer. Now an ulcer sounds bad, but it is substantially better than the other options she was looking at (gall bladder or liver). The ulcer is because of where I live. I thought she was referring to stress- which I understood was the cause of an ulcer. My reaction was, "But I've only been here a year!"

It seems that ulcers are primarily caused by a bacteria that thrives in "third world living conditions" (those are her words). My jaw dropped. Okay it is a bit rustic, but third world.... I am on meds for a month to lower acid production in my stomach which should allow the ulcer to heal on its own.

My first question about the bacteria was whether I should worry about the health of my kids. She suggested scrupulous drinking of clean (ie. bottled) water only. So, Jo is not to drink his bathwater anymore. How am I going to enforce that one?

Emotionally I feel overwhelmed by struggles of being here right now. We don't feel at home, our faith community is distant, or families are so far away, emotional and now physical health is an issue and Fi's schooling needs are a rapidly growing concern. I don't know how we can stay another year... but there seems to be no other option. Plus, stress increases the symptoms of an ulcer.

Where is my burning bush?

Today's Conundrum

Mornings are such a pleasure in my classroom. We have a smooth structure that we all count on. We work on core subjects that I love to teach. We see our progress in measurable ways that encourage continued effort. Then over the lunch recess something strange happens. We still have structure and subjects that I love to teach, but something I can't quite identify sneaks into the classroom and picks at us all. Our attention spans are shorter, our fuses are shorter, and our interest in putting in effort is sapped away.

I don't know how to catch this sneaky learning-sapper and kick it out of our classroom. It is causing me great frustration. We can't just do PE, art and music everyday after lunch, that's half the day. How to recapture my students' interest and compete with hunting for wood ticks...

Good Intentions

My intentions are always good... stay on top of blogging and keep it up-to-date. However, life is flying by and I always seem to have so many things on the to-do list that are more critical. I think it is time to reassess priorities.

We have had an interesting week. Colds have been sweeping through the house, starting with LK and now ending with the kids. We are in the midst of lists to help with decision-making about next year... do we stay, do we go, if we go; where?

So, here are the options...

1. Stay in Grassy for another year; professionally, great growth opportunity for me, time to get another AQ, learn more about working with Native community, personally hard on family, Fiona not having her needs met, LK and Jo very isolated, long commute to a church community.
2. Move to Kenora, but commute to Grassy; financially not possible unless we inherit a chunk of money or win a lottery (ie. ruled out).
3. Move to Kenora and work in Kenora; professionally great growth opportunity, a risk in getting full-time work teaching and short time-line for finding housing, personally provides family with community for making friends, connections with other people, can have a functional church life, Fi can enroll in French Immersion or in 2nd grade at local Catholic school, LK and Jo can participate in Early Years Center activities to have social interaction.
4. Move back down south; financially unwise, no job prospects, miss our families a lot and would love to be closer.

It seems that there are only two viable options (1 and 3) for this year. Which is the wisest and meets the needs of the most family members is the question... much prayer needed to discern what will be our path for the next year. Please continue to pray for us as we seek to know how we should grow next.