Accustomed

When you live with something you get accustomed to it. We have become accustomed to an 80km drive to the grocery store on roads that feel like a roller coaster, living without satellite or cable, and buying ice cream only when its on sale drastically lower than the regular $8 a carton price.

I forget that some of these things are quite normal for most Canadians (buying things on sale particularly), even southerners. But others not-so-much.

Oma arrived for a week visit yesterday. We trekked to Winnipeg in the morning. On the not-yet-plowed roads it took 4 1/2 hours to go to the airport. We were there on time to welcome her, though, so it was totally worth it. Plus I found the perfect purse in Winners on the way!

We left Winnipeg at 3:30, so most of the drive was in the dark. The sunset behind us was gorgeous, though. Oma was as agog as I was that first time driving through the northern landscape.

When we turned onto the home road (which is the 70km roller coaster) I warned her that this was the rough part of the ride. When we got about 1/3 of the way home she started to grip the handle above the door. The road is intimidating in the light, but downright scary in the dark. Especially your first time travelling it. And honestly, I was driving really slow to avoid any slipping and sliding on the road.

So Oma has arrived safely, and is learning first-hand what we have become accustomed to after the move from down south. It will be a fun week!

Surely

We had our turkey dinner late. It was still frozen when we pulled it out of the back of the fridge yesterday afternoon to get started on the roasting. After 13 years of marriage LK and I are still pretty inexperienced with holiday birds. This is only our second turkey in all those years.

For many of our Christmases and Thanksgivings we have been part of a group of leftovers who are not with family on the holiday itself. In TO we had friends who often hosted the leftover-crowd for a potluck holiday meal. Church has been the center of our holidays so intensely for so long that we are really making an adjustment to holidays without church.

The only other time we attempted a turkey was when I hosted family for Thanksgiving at our apartment on Weston Road. That was quite a few years ago. Since them we have contributed side dishes to the potluck usually.

This year it is just the four of us for the very first time (last year we had another teacher over for our own leftover meal). There were a few moments when LK expressed a desire for a ham that he could just warm in the oven with some slices of pineapple, but it turned out to be one of the best turkeys I have ever had.

We had homemade cranberry sauce, sausage and apple stuffing, corn, steamed baby potatoes, and of course the centrepiece of the meal, turkey. We even had sparkling grape juice to enhance the flavours on our palates. The meal was topped off with a delicious blueberry pie a la mode.

As we say down to pray, Handel's Messiah was playing in the background. I heard one of my favourite sections come on, "Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows! He was wounded for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him. And with His stripes we are healed." I was so grateful for my Saviour who carries my burdens and sorrows. I am so thankful for his peace.

The only thing that could have made this Christmas better would be to have our families and friends gathered around the table with us.

Merry Christmas to all our loved ones, whether part of our earthly or heavenly family.

Enjoy the blessings of one another and the beauty of this season.

May we all be blessed with hearts filled with gratitude in the coming year.

Why the Vehemence?

Every time LK finds an interesting article when he is reading up on the news, he forwards the link to me. He knows that anything education related is something that I definitely want to read. So yesterday he sent me this link http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/no-more-fall-report-card-for-ontario-kids/article1408248/ to an article in the Globe I was very interested. I had heard about the commission doing a report on evaluation in Ontario last year while I was doing research for my course and had forgotten about it. Now it has come out and the Ontario Gov't. is making changes to the report cards in response to that report.

I read the article and then made the mistake of reading the comments. Where did this massive hate-on for teachers come from? Why do so many people hate us? I had to force myself to stop reading and turn it off so I wouldn't get really upset.

But what is the point of getting upset? When we form an opinion about something, as humans beings we often commit deeply to those opinions. Arguments to convince someone that their opinion is wrong doesn't really make a difference. Showing them that there may be other options does.

So, how do I take the looming changes to assessment practice in Ontario and use it to do a better job in serving my students? The only thing that will change the minds of parents and community members convinced that all teachers are leeches on society who constantly complain about how difficult they have it is to see teachers working hard and making a difference.

One thing though, why do people insist on comparing the training of our children with sales? My child is not a piece of stereo equipment. She is a human being, vastly more valuable and complex than the most valuable piece of technology. Her success in her education is not a matter of getting x-number of right answers on a test. Neither is the success of my students.

Couldn't we put our energy into supporting them rather than bashing teachers?

Laughter

Laughter is the best medicine. I have heard that quoted everywhere from Reader's Digest to the staffroom when teachers are barely hanging on at the end of a rough term. It is so true. After four months that were the very busiest of the past twelve-and-a-half years of married life we are sitting back, relaxing, and laughing.

Yesterday, as I attempted to take the dog (which I am dog sitting, not ours) for a walk (not the jumping party she clearly wanted) Fiona and Josiah toddled along. They really toddled. Jo was pulling our little red sled, backwards, up the hill towards the reserve resembling a little green Michelin Man. Fiona kept walking ahead of him, then going back and asking, "When are you going to hurry up, Jo," in that big-sister-with-no-patience-for-pokey-little-brothers voice that all big sisters have used (I know as I am a big sister who still uses that voice).

Keeping a safe distance from the kids, so they would not be mauled in an oh-so-friendly way by a puppy who REALLY wanted to be friends, I watched them sort out the pulling of the sled without my running interference. I was impressed with how they interacted. There was the typical tone of long-suffering patience from the elder, and lots of stirring the pot from the younger, but they didn't hit one another or get mad. They worked it out. And they laughed. At the top of their lungs with complete freedom. It was a moment to hold on to and savour.

Maybe I need to learn to step back a bit in my parenting and let my kids work it out themselves more often.

We stayed outside until well past dark (which is currently at 4:20) playing in our three inches of snow without the puppy (who has almost no hair and can't handle the cold well at all). It reminded me of how I loved winter as a kid. All in all, a good day.

Holidays

It official. We are on holidays! First task, clean house that has not been cleaned in three weeks; done! Now, to enjoy the quiet. Oh, wait. There will be no quiet in this house. Jo is loud and proud to be the biggest little presence in the house.

Josiah's new favourite phrases are;

• "Hurray! Cissmas!" shouted at top volume about anything Christmas-related. Santa (Fearless Leader in costume) visited the school yesterday, handing out presents to all the students. Jo was agog at Santa and absolutely thrilled with his present. He has been carrying it around all day today.
• "I wuv ----. Do you Mama? Do you wuv ---?" asked about various daily items such as lunch, books, snow, yogurt. I am holding my breathe for when he says it to me...
• "Shoot!" which is our swear and he uses whenever something goes wrong. Often it comes out when he has dropped or broken something that he is working on building.

I remember when Fiona was learning new phrases and experimenting with them. Now Jo is going through the same exploration. Often it is funny, sometimes it pulls at the heartstrings- and always it as awesome to listen as a little person learns to use and play with language.

Gingerbread

It is a traditions for Fi and I to make gingerbread cookies for our classes each year at Christmastime. This year we have three classes to bake for. So, after putting the kids to bed tonight I mixed up a double batch of gingerbread dough a la Anna Olsen.

If you are not a FoodTV junkie, Anna Olsen is a pastry chef who creates the most amazingly delicious treats. My absolute favourite food group - dessert. The best part of this recipe is that it uses fresh ginger. The flavour is a whole different level than dried ginger.

Tomorrow after dinner it is time to roll, cut and bake. This step requires a group effort and Fi needs to be involved. I can't wait to taste them when they come out of the oven.

Three More Days...

Okay, last week was tough. And we have been paying this weekend for stretching the little man way past his tolerance for change and lack of attention last week (see post from last Wednesday). We are tired from getting up with an overtired pre-schooler all night and are counting the sleeps until we can get a really good sleep ourselves.

So, this morning in church we were less-than-thrilled to find out that the heat at daycare is still off. There is a blockage in the line that brings heat from the community heating building to that whole neighbourhood. They are installing baseboard heaters in the daycare for back-up asap. That is not southern Ontario ASAP (yesterday), but Grassy asap (when we can get to it). So, there will be no daycare Monday, Tuesday (for a meeting already scheduled) and maybe Wednesday also.

Aiyy-yi-yi!

LK and I spent the past several hours trying to figure out the best coping strategy for this situation. There isn't a best strategy. This week is the last few days before the Christmas holiday. That means Monday is a madhouse of finishing up projects that will be completely forgotten by students after the holiday. Tuesday is rehearsal day; all day. And Wednesday is the big Christmas program and feast. None of which is exactly a good time for a classroom teacher to be absent. All of which requires all of a teacher's skills to maintain a (sort of) calm classroom, some progress in completing tasks, and enthusiasm for a performance that we are really not quite ready to do.

So, please keep us in prayer as we juggle Christmas program rehearsals tomorrow and Tuesday, with an extra extra-small student in our classrooms and the last few days of building insanity before the Christmas holidays (as is only experienced in classrooms filled with students who have been anticipating this holiday since September 1st).

My mantra for this week: Three more days... we can hold it all together for three more days.

Booster Seat

Fiona graduated to a booster seat this morning before we headed into town. That means she has hit the 40 lb. mark for weight. She is pleased as punch with being able to sit in a big-kid booster seat instead of a car seat. It is also a lot easier to move in and out of the car.

I am a bit stunned that my baby is suddenly so grown up.

However, the meltdown right before bed when her little brother wouldn't do as she told him proved that she is still far from grown up. So, I have time to enjoy them still.

Payout

For a brief history lesson here is a quote that summarizes a lot of the recent history of GN's interaction with the larger Canadian culture in the last generation. It is true. You can google any of these issues yourself and find many reputable sites and reports of all the the events below. I have done it to learn about where we were moving to last summer. However, I am using a quote because the authors of this site put it very succinctly.

"In the 1960s and 1970s, the Ontario government allowed pulp and paper companies to dump tons of methyl mercury into the rivers of north-western Ontario. People of Grassy Narrows First Nation got very ill with mercury poisoning. Twenty years later, the community still feels appalling health and social effects. They have suffered other environmental assaults beside mercury poisoning: in the 1950s, Ontario Hydro manipulated the water levels in the rivers in order to generate "clean" hydro power, and wiped out the Grassy Narrows wild rice harvest. And today, the Province of Ontario has licensed Abitibi to clear-cut in the Whiskey-Jack forest, traditional hunting and trapping grounds of the people of Grassy Narrows. To stop the destruction of their hunting grounds, the people of Grassy Narrows have blocked the roads into the forest." taken from http://www.air-fair.org/principles.html

One of these acts resulted in a payout to the GN First Nation that is in a trust for the people of GN. Each year there is a payout day where GN residents are able to pick up their share of the trust for that year. Payout day is a big deal here in Grassy. We had no school yesterday so that all community members (including school staff) could pick up their checks, which need to be done in person.

For my students, Payout is on their minds for more than week before the day, putting Christmas in the shadows until it passes. They have big questions on their minds; how much, what will I do with mine, will we go to Winnipeg, and so on.

Before Payout day, I suggested to my students that they use some of their payout money to get warm winter gear- which many of them have not worn yet. The temperatures dropped to -24 last night (before wind chill). This morning it was a brisk -22 when we left the house. I was delighted to see many students walking into the school this morning with new boots, coats, hats, mitts, etc. They looked warm!

Then I realized that this same thing happened last year. Winter arrived, but winter gear didn't show up on many students until after payout. Of course, there are the stubborn (or maybe just crazy) few who insist that they are not cold at twenty below in a hoodie and sneakers, and who never wore a winter coat to school all year. Is there some award for being super tough? But many students looked so much happier heading out for recess this morning.

So, even though it means a few days that are super-unproductive (as many students aren't here for payout day and the day afterwards), I am glad for it. I want to see warm students outside enjoying the fun of recess.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I have heard complaints about daycare in Ontario for years. The concerns about affordable daycare space shortages has been in and out of the news for years with no solution in sight. I always thought that we would be able to slip by that issue as we planned to have one parent at home with the kids always- even if that meant working opposite schedules.

After a few years of opposite schedules and the toll it took on our own relationship- hard to maintain a connection with someone you rarely see- we are trying a different tack. This year, due to an amazing out-of-the-blue opportunity, we are both working full-time. That brings with it new challenges for family life that we have not faced before in our relationship.

It also brings new appreciation for the struggles of others that I never had the appropriate sympathy for. The phrase "walk a mile in my shoes..." resonates for me today. DM, I am learning an entirely new respect for the balancing act you walk everyday with your family.

The current struggle is with daycare. Now, we are deeply appreciative for an amazing daycare. Doubly appreciative that our community daycare is really wonderful because it is the only daycare option for 80km. Josiah is happy, learning and loves going to daycare- what more could a parent ask? However, the daycare is occasionally shut down with little notice due to the heat not working.

Before you suggest that they replace their furnace, the heat is delivered to the large buildings in the community from a 'community heating system' that is really cool. I think if you google the term you may even find a few hits about Grassy. Very interesting.

But back onto my point here...

We have arrived at the daycare doors to a note that daycare is closed due to no heat. This week we received a phone call from thoughtful school staff members two days in a row to let us know before we left home that the daycare is closed because there is no heat.

Our options are;

1. use up one more precious sick/compassionate leave day when no one is sick to stay home with the little man and have a great day of one-on-one time, but leave our students and school in the lurch with an extremely short substitute teacher list,
2. or take the little man with us to school and shuttle him between our classrooms depending on what we are doing each period.

Neither option is ideal. But, as my father recently pointed out to me, coping strategies that we use to deal with reality can often be less than desirable when closely examined. I am not happy with our coping strategy- we have a very overstimulated little boy and my class didn't get nearly the attention they deserved or needed today because my attention was divided between their needs and the needs of my little man.

So, what to do? Compassionate leave days are designed for the purpose of family emergencies. Daycare is not my employer's concern. But I haven't got an option for back-up care. This is when I really wish my mom lived down the road.

For now, we cope with a less-than-ideal coping strategy and I pray, as we did at dinner tonight in addition giving thanks for our food, for the heat to be on at daycare really soon!

The Purpose of Blogging

Reading blogs is a hobby. I am addicted to teacher blogs. I feel like it gives me a peek inside other teachers' heads and helps me to laugh at the situations that come up in my own classroom that make you either laugh or cry.

Some teachers blog to share the joys of their job. They clearly love their job and their students a LOT. One example is Look at My Happy Rainbow found at http://halpey1.blogspot.com/. This kindergarten teacher finds delightful gifts in most of his days. He makes me want to be a better teacher. He loves his students and that comes through clearly in his writing.

Some teachers blog to vent the frustrations that are part of the profession. An interesting example is This Brazen Teacher found at http://thisbrazenteacher.wordpress.com/. Those blogs can be a blend of love for students and frustration with politics in a highly politicized profession that isn't about politics at all- its about kids. Some of those teachers are angry at the system, and that is clear. Many of them are struggling with feeling like they are cogs trapped in a system that limits their ability to make a difference for their students by its own structure.

So, why do I blog. I am a teacher. It is a massive part of my identity. I believe 100% that I was created and designed to teach. I love it and cannot think of any job that would be more interesting, exciting, and fun. But, I am frustrated with an imperfect world.

Do I blog just as a teacher? Do I blog as a sister, daughter, niece, friend who lives far away and is trying to keep in touch? Do I blog as a Christian sharing my faith journey with anyone who is interested in walking beside me?

I blog for all of those reasons. Each day a different reason is at the fore of my heart and in the focus of my blog.

One thing that I want to avoid is the angry, vindictive blog. There are times when I am angry. There are times when I am so angry I want to scream at the top of my lungs and lie on the floor and throw a temper tantrum worthy of my two-year old son. Sometimes I am angry because of my two-year old temper tantrum throwing son. Sometimes I am angry because of my own foolish words and actions that came back to bite me in the butt. Sometimes I am angry at the hurt someone else caused me or my loved ones. Sometimes I am angry because this world is a completely broken place without hope for a future of peace or joy EXCEPT for the gift of Christ.

That stops my anger. How can I stay all growly and teary in the face of a child, an only child, given out of complete love, for me. How can I stay angry in the light of God's graciousness. I am shamed into silence at my own foolish arrogance. What right have I to expect justice for my kids, or myself, or my family, or the guy-down-the-road-who-I-don't-even-know when I am incapable of justice myself?

I can only ask for grace, and more grace. Grace for myself in my selfish arrogance. Grace for my family in our exhausted attempts to love one another. Grace for my students in their struggle to learn and grow. Grace for my colleagues who wrestle with demons I have no clue about. Grace for my community who strives to cope in a world that is filled with greed and hurt and pain.

I look forward to Christmas. Not just because of the holiday- although I really need the holiday- but because it bring to life my purpose and hope in being a teacher, a mother, a wife, a friend. Since Jesus gave his life for mine, and walked on this world without sin I need to get up fresh each day and try once again to give mine for the people that I interact with.

That monumental task (that I cannot do on my own and often screw up in), and the adventures that come with it, is why I blog.

Retractions?

Since my last post I have been reflecting. My dad also was talking to me about the post. It seems to have come across as much more virulent than I intended.

I have been reflecting on honesty. How does one balance the need for truth with the need to cover hurts, the need to stand up for oneself with the needs of the community? How should I, as an outsider in a community, balance the expectations of my culture and my own expectations with those of the community.

How can I balance what I don't understand? How can I understand what no one talks about?

My dad posed the theory that perhaps the issues that bother me, about which I vented in my last post, are examples of a community coping in a situation that is less than ideal. The alternatives to dealing with the staff issues are much more hurtful to the community. Sort of a 'lesser of the evils' situation.

So, I apologize to anyone who found my last post angry. Although, truthfully it was. But it was not intended to be hurtful to anyone.

I am wrestling with the fact that my world isn't black and white, but filled with greys. I long for the simplicity of black and white answers to the brokenness of this world.

Please pray for me; for a heart that sees beyond my own experiences and for compassion for the hurt and solutions that don't make sense to me, but are necessary for the survival of others. Mostly for humility to see that I do not know better than God.

Where in the World?

Where in the world can you call in sick for work often on Mondays for over a year and not lose your job? Where in the world can you sign a contract that promises prep time and then have no prep time because the prep teachers are sick and we only have one sub? Where in the world can you feel completely stressed trying to decide if your child is sick enough to keep home because you only have 11 sick/compassionate leave days a year (even though you work in a cesspool of germs every single day, and the 'industry standard' for sick days is 20)?

Well, if you guessed working on a reserve school, you win!

Grrrrr! I am so frustrated.

I really love my job and my students (well I love my students most days- not so much on the days when they flip furniture over and call me names). If we could just take the adults and the self-serving politics out of teaching it would be a great profession.

Wait now, I am an adult. Nevermind.

Still frustrated though!

Advent I

The first Sunday of advent we pull out the decorations and set up our tree. It is a tradition in our family. This year Fiona has been talking about it for three days. Jo had no idea what was happening until the words "Christmas tree" were combined with seeing the tree out of its storage bag. Then he was over-the-moon and danced around the room.

This afternoon when we dug into the giant closet of storage and pulled out the decorations, we discovered that several strands of lights were toast and the tree that has limped through the last few years had its top broken off. We stuck it back together with electrical tape (no duct tape in the tool box). The tree is missing its topper ornament because the electrical tape won't support the weight of either of our toppers. We have promised ourselves that we will buy a new tree after Christmas when they are on sale.

Josiah and Fiona pulled all the ornaments out of the boxes and left them all over the living room floor while I tried to get all the branches spread and looking nice. Then they watched a DVD while I tried to get the lights looking nice.

Honestly, this is the least time I have ever spent arranging branches and lights. Usually I make sure that it is all balanced and that each branch has a neat wrapping of lights. The tree usually looks like it is sparking with stars when I am done. Not this year. It is pretty, but really looks like a family tree rather than a showpiece.

Evidence of yet more personal growth. And the kids had lots of fun putting the ornaments on it themselves. I only re-hung three after they were done..

Sundays

I remember Sundays were one of my favourite days of the week as a kid. There were several reasons for that; we had a no homework on Sunday rule in our house (I loved that), it was the day we almost always had company over or were guests in someone else's home, and we sang at church.

Sunday has had the same appeal for me for most of my adult life for the same reasons (except the homework). I love the sweetness of fellowship, particularly when enriched by breaking bread together at the table. My favourite Sundays are those that have included a big meal with friends or family.

Worship for me is only worship when music is a large part of our conversation with God in his house. I love to sing and can easily get lost in bliss of the sound and the words that go so far beyond prayers and Scripture in reaching into my heart. Something about the combination of sound and text is deeper for me.

Yesterday we had a service that was a real Sabbath. I went to church feeling mopey and a bit sorry for myself - a pathetic way to start Sunday. We had a guest preaching, a 25-year old who spoke straight from his heart without mincing words. If you know me well, you know how much I appreciate someone who is brave enough to say it like they see it. Too few of us today are bold enough to speak our mind regardless of it's political correctness. It was a blast of fresh air. I spent most of his sermon thinking, "Amen brother!" to myself.

Then we ate together. We sat around tables at church and ate together. We have eaten together at church often before. Lunch is served every week and we try to stay as often as the numbers allow- we don't stay if there is a crowd, to make sure that there is food for everyone. Yesterday was the first time it felt like we were a part of things. If was wonderful.

I am so thankful when I start a day in a foul place and God flips me into a 180-degree turn in attitude. It makes it very clear to me that He is Lord of all joy! And he pours out joy in such generous measures.

The joy flowed over into today, and I hope it will trickle into my whole week, infecting everyone I come into contact with. Let it pour, Lord!

Graffiti

I had an interesting experience this week.

Friday afternoon on a 'long Friday', which means we have school until 3:00. The three hours after the "payday Friday' dismissal of 12:00 are rarely deeply productive- students just don't seem to think that Friday afternoon should be about work. Anyway, this is not the point.

I am outside with my class, having just set up an experiment at the very back of the baseball field (which I pray is still there on Monday so we can find out the results of our experiment). We were finished a few minutes before recess and it was a beautiful Indian Summer day, so we stayed outside to play until recess.

The kids were running around on the playground structure, having a great old time. I was thinking to myself what great kids they are and how much potential they have for making their world a better place when someone shouted, "Mrs. K. look!" is a shocked voice.

I walked over to the swing supports and looked at what was written in lovely black permanent marker... Emily is a bich.

So I said, "Well, at least they could have spelled it right."

Inside my head I am thinking, this is a first my own personal hate graffiti. I am pretty sure that black marker was swiped off my desk just last week.

So at the end of the day we had a little chat at the carpet, the class and I. I asked them to please let the student who wrote that know that they really need to spell their words correctly, and that it isn't polite to call someone a bitch. (They went, "OOooh, she used a curse."- I am really strict about language in my classroom) But that yes sometimes I am a bitch. Sometimes I need to be to encourage them to learn. That is my job, to help them learn, not to be their friend.

Funnily enough, they all turned to Tiny Tim and said, "Ti-im." in the middle of my little speech. So I have a pretty good idea of the culprit. He was pretty mad at me this week, for pushing him to get his work done.

How can you take that kind of hate-mail seriously?

Book Lover

We finished reading Frindle by Andrew Clements in read aloud at school today. This is a part of the day where the teacher read aloud to the students, and they just relax and listen. It has always been one of my favourite parts of the day- both as a student and as a teacher. Frindle is one of my very favourite books. If you haven't read it, go to the library and get it out. A wonderful story about discovering the power of one person and chasing an idea to see where it goes. I love ideas. I love words. I love stories. This book has it all. Plus, Andrew Clements has a gift to narrate from within the head of a fifth/six grader. His books all share the perspective of kids brilliantly.

It took a while for my class to 'get' the book this year. Every group of students has a different set of experiences and background knowledge (schema, we call it in education)- both individually and corporately. This group really are not focused on school. So a story that is largely set in school didn't really ring their bell.

However, today they were silent while I read the last chapter. I would like to think that it was my inspired rendition of the aha moment of the main character, but it wasn't. I think they were actually interested in what happened at the end.

The magic of storytelling strikes again!

Grey is a Mindset

The ability to lose myself in the pages of a good novel has always been a huge comfort when facing seasons of grey. November has turned a dark metallic grey. The temperatures have dropped to seasonal frostiness. Darkness falls as we start cooking supper and lifts as we sit at the breakfast table. The month doesn't have a spirit-lifting holiday. It is really too early to start anticipating Christmas. This week I have nothing to read.

Not the most cheerful perspective today, but that is how I feel.

I have been exploring ideas on the web about using journals in the classroom with students. Of course there is far more information out there than I want or need, and sorting through it is a time-consuming task for even the most focussed person. I have been on several rambling digressions on the Web today. I did read some interesting ideas about keeping a journal as an adult though.

One author/blogger suggested that a stream-of-consciousness kind of journal is very cleansing and helps clear the clouds from your head. He recommends it for when creativity is blocked. That got me thinking about the angst that can build up in my head. I can get so angry sometimes- never really angry about one thing. Usually it is a build-up a a whole bunch of little things that I don't address and my surface calm is finally ruffled with something small.

My usual coping strategy when I am really upset it to go all out on a project. Purging junk from closets of toy boxes is very effective. In desperate times even scrubbing dishes will do. I think that this is usually a way of wrestling with my issues.

I did some purging today. I feel somewhat better, but not really.

How do I get rid of the grey in my head?

Quality Time

Our dear Wii Woman babysat yesterday for us while LK and I went into town on our own yesterday, sans kiddos! What a treat. We even managed to spend a chunk of our time talking about non-school stuff. Bliss!

Our relationships has undergone a dramatic change this year with LK teaching full-time. The balance of work at home has shifted, and continued to shift as our weeks pass. Our relationship has had mentor-mentee added to the layers. Although, we have already had that role in music with LK as the mentor. Now its my turn to mentor.

So, yesterday was a real treat. We did errands in half the time they usually take when we have the little people in tow. We lingered at the library, both choosing books at the same time, rather than taking turns. We ate lunch at a sit-down restaurant, rather than fast food or a picnic. On the drive home we talked about books and the world outside our own little four walls.

When we arrived home, Fi had learned to play on the Wii. Guess what just got put on her gift wish list for her seventh birthday?

Six

Fiona is six today. She kept saying it all day, "I am already six!"

We started the day with the early bird, Jo was up before 6 and raring to go. Once he saw the streamers and balloons downstairs decorating the table there was no keeping him quiet. LK went out to shovel driveways for his morning workout while we woke Fi and got everybody dressed. For the first time since the first day of school there were no complaints from Fi about getting up and dressed. Hmmmm...

She was able to open two packages on the table before school and this started her day very positively. She loved the bath treats from the Spieces. We used them in the tub tonight and they were a huge hit.

Both kids were flying all day thanks to lingering Halloween treats and excitement over balloons and cake. After school we all arrived at home and bribed Jo to come inside with a treat (he prefers to stay outside until he is soaked and frozen, now that the snow has arrived). Fiona opened the rest of her presents and the kids had some down-time before supper.

Our birthday tradition is that the birthday person chooses the menu for their dinner meal. We had French Toast Fingers and smoothies tonight, followed by chocolate cake in the shape of a house with white icing siding, a brown Oreo crumb roof, green trim and shutters and pink flowers blooming along the front and sides of the house. Both kids were fascinated by the decorations on the cake. Jo was particularly taken with the candles. Why doesn't that surprise me?

Fiona ended the day curled up on bed with a notebook and pencil drawing while chatting on the phone with family members. Thank you so much to all our loved ones who sent cards, gifts, and phoned. She had a wonderful day and felt very much loved and cared for.

An Early Halloween

As a child I was big into dress-up. In university I lucked out with an on-campus job as the manager of the costume department for 4 years. That meant free access to period costumes from all through history. I was in my glory. I regularly turned up for class dressed in Victorian costume or half a tux, or whatever other exploration in fashion history struck my fancy that week. It meant that I could satisfy my desire to play dress-up into my early twenties (when, I realize, that most people have outgrown it).

When I graduated and took on the grown-up task of teaching, those days were sadly placed behind me. Professional attire was expected every day- no whimsical experiments in what it really feels like to wear a corset (not the lingerie ones, but the real ones). Just teacher clothes.

missed that opportunity a lot in the first years of teaching. But now I get to revel in the opportunity to go crazy with costume one day a year. I love it. Here in GN Halloween is almost as big as Christmas. The kids get very excited. Everyone dresses up. There is a big dance at the Complex. It a big deal.

Today we had our school celebrations. I realize that it is only the 29th, and yes, Halloween is actually on the 31st. We have a half day tomorrow and the class that is in charge of hot
dogs won't really be able to participate in the celebrations, so in the interest of everyone wanting to celebrate, we had Halloween today.

These days are always a wee bit crazy. If you aren't a teacher, imagine a costume birthday party that lasts for six hours. Think of the level of kid energy, sugar intake, and then add a 40 minute power outage in the middle of it all. That was today.

We were doing quite well until the power went out. We were warned at the beginning of the day that the power would be out from 11 to 11:30, so the kiddos were not taken by surprise. Nor were the teachers left hanging in the middle of a computer lesson or lost their overhead project right before making the key lesson point.

However when 11:30 rolled around and the power didn't come right back on, things got a little ragged at the edges. It was overcast and we only have 2 windows in each classroom, so it was a bit challenging to see anything to continue math, in my classroom. My students were troupers and tried anyway, but really, what was I thinking?

So, we let it all hang out after lunch and watched a movie together, ate our potluck party snacks, and had the traditional costume parade in the gym. If was exhausting, but a fun afternoon. Another reminder why I love my job.

Not everyone gets to dress up, play with kids, and parade around the gym once a year.

Jeffrey Davis (1953-2009)

I am so thankful for the blessing of my family right now. I have riches beyond compare in an amazing husband, two healthy, beautiful, energetic children, and friends and family across this province. I have work that brings me joy and changes the world one student at a time. I can look out my windows at a view more beautiful than any painted in a landscape. What a rich life!

My uncle did not have such a life. He died alone in a trailer and wasn't found until a week later. My mom was notified on Wednesday. She, as the eldest sibling, is taking the role of executor and sorting out how to lay to rest a life that was short and lonely.

This was an uncle that I barely knew. He lived with us for a few weeks when I was a teenager; camped out in his tent on our property during one of his rare trips out east. I can't remember the last time I saw him. I do remember writing a story for an assignment in high school that fictionalized that last visit. I think I have that story tucked away in a box somewhere. It wasn't particularly flattering to a person who spent too much of his time in bars and was told with the narrow narrative voice of a teenager with a black and white view of the world.

When you lose someone that you were not close to, but whose death is deeply saddening to someone who you were close to, there is a different kind of grieving. I don't feel any loss for a person with whom I had no personal relationship. I do feel pain for my mom and my uncles who lost their sibling without warning and without a chance to say goodbye.

Beauty

Every time I drove to town I am struck anew with the vast diversity of beauty in creation. Last week the trees had lots of amber leaves fluttering in the wind. This week most of the amber is gone, but now the contrasting values and tones of green are becoming vivid against the grey skeletons of the deciduous trees. Some of the conifers have turned into flames of tangerine and look like they are dying. What a glorious death!

There are clear lines of tree-species as you look at each hill. The inspiration taken by the group of seven by the northern Ontario landscape is so very present still. I hope we will never batter this land beyond seeing that beauty.

I am sad to see new 'camp roads' being tamped down by the Saturday storm troopers this week. That is my new term for the Kenora locals who head for the bush every weekend. They are all driving north towards Grassy with pickups loaded with ATVs and camp gear on Saturday morning as we head into town. Then, as we return home loaded with new books and groceries, they are also returning home, loaded these days with wood.

There is a species of bird that migrates south directly through this region. They have white on their bellies and seem sandy-coloured on their backs when in flight. Mostly I noticed their white undersides, which seems to flash against the grey road as they fly ahead of the car.

We noticed them last fall just before the snow and only saw them for a few weeks. They were back for a short time in the spring. I think they might be from the Arctic. I wonder how far they have to go before they find their winter homes?

The geese are all gone, but many ducks are still lingering on the lakes. Does that mean an Indian summer is in store for us? Or are they foolish ducks who will be taken by surprise next week when winter arrives in all her pristine cold glory? I hope they know something I don't.

Another One Down for the Count

I am rising from the ashes of exhaustion and coughing and Kleenex everywhere. Note to self: buy stock in Kleenex. I am on my way to health. I am. I am. But the blasted coughing just won't stop!

To keep a positive attitude I keep reminding myself of how unbelievably horrible I felt all last week. This is nothing. Just a niggly post-cold tickle THAT IS DRIVING ME AROUND THE BEND BECAUSE I CAN'T TEACH WITHOUT HACKING UP A LUNG EVERY FOUR WORDS. But really I am glad to be on the mend, etc. Stiff upper lip and all that.

However (says the Eeyore in my head) now LK is coming down with the same thing that I had and just toddled miserably off to bed before nine o'clock even. Ho-hum. Another week of sickness in our house.

Sweet, sweet health. Whilst thou darken my door before the next moon? PLEEEAAASSEE!

Too Sick (Warning Contains Whining)

It was a very long week, following a very long week. Ironic when both were 3 1/2 day work-weeks. But were they ever long days!

Last week our Fearless Leader was away at a conference. Without giving us advance warning. Wasn't too pleased about that. But, I was very proud that even though the mice did play while the cat was away, they left the building standing and nobody quit.

This week the mice made Fearless Leader a very busy cat getting things back into shape. Why is it that the mice only respect the cat? What about we teacher-cats? Are we not fierce enough? Still working on that one.

This week was incredibly long because I woke up Tuesday feeling a bit under-the-weather and it just went downhill from there. It has been five days of feeling REALLY CRAPPY! And I am sick of it. I have taken every cough suppressant, cold & flu thingy I can find. I have eaten chicken noodle soup. I have slept as much as my coughing body will let me. I even took a day off work too sleep more. I really want to get better!

I want to play with my kids. I want to hug my husband. I want my voice back. I want to get up and feel rested. I want to enjoy work, not drag myself through the day trying not to look like the zombie I feel like.

It was so bad on Friday that Fearless Leader even told me that I looked like crap- not in those exact words of course. My darling husband replied, when asked if I really looked that bad, "I wasn't going to say anything, but I was surprised you left the house looking like that."

Waaaaaa!

I am going to bed. I will blog again when not so grouchy, tired, sore and miserable.

From my New Desktop...

I am actually blogging from my Christmas present; a new laptop. I can actually work at my own table (my multi-purpose craft/work table) on my own computer. My wondefulforgeousamazingincredible husband bought me a laptop for Christmas. Early even!

I am over the moon with delight at being able to work at home at the same time as LK. I don't have to go into school every night to finish my plans. I don't have to negotiate computer time with my spouse. WooHoo!!!

My happiness knows no end.

Shopping Trip

I have a wee bit of shopaholic in me. So, when the car is due for a visit with the dealership I am quick to offer to do the drive to Winnipeg and slip a bit of VV and Winners into the trip. This weekend we had Monday off- Treaty Day, so it worked out perfectly to get an early morning appointment and the requisite visits to my favourite stores as well.

I had a big list, Christmas presents featured heavily as we were not anticipating another trip to the city before the holiday. However, there is electrical work that needs to be done and they had to order parts, so back we go in the next month.

Two days and countless stores. By the time I was finished even I was tired and ready to go home. Interestingly, we were in Old Navy, which I used to really like, and I was not even tempted the least. Hmmm, tastes are changing.

However, I could have spent another day poring through the stock in every Winners in the city.
I arrived home with the Christmas list mostly crossed off, and a new rug for the living room. We had a cheap brown rag rug that was making do on the floor. Takes off the edge of the cold, but not at all inviting for sitting on and playing on. I found a lovely striped rug in Home Depot with all the colours I love in it. It reminds me of a sweater I had several years ago. Now both kids are sprawled on the floor in the living room to watch tv rather than huddled on the couch.

The highlight of the trip was a pair of shoes. Black peep-toe pumps (I know that I don't need another pair of black shoes) with 4 inch heels. Totally not practical, but soooooo yummy. And they make me feel tall (a substantial task). I wore them to school today and made it an hour before I changed into lower heels. Perhaps I will save them for dates...

Guest Post by LK - Our Environmentalist

EK has mentioned in a previous blog post how FK has become quite the environmentalist (thanks to Subway and the kids' meal packs that include National Geographic Activities highlighting environmental issues). Here is a poem that she wrote (how did she come up with that title?):

The Earth Is Not a Lemon to Squeeze

I love every tree.
I love every flower.

I love every tree.
I love every flower.
I love everything in nature,
Every minute, every hour.

Clear and crystal waters,
Stars that shine way high above,
Rich, green forests filled with creatures,
That is what I love!

by Fiona Kaldeway

And up again...

What an incredible day!

We had the Terry Fox Run in the morning. The whole school participates, with each division run/walking a different distance. We spent a good chunk of Thursday learning about who Terry Fox was and what made him a hero. We also watched "Terry" the made-for-tv movie that came out a few years ago. My students were great. They showed evidence of thinking about the text, making connections, and asking questions- all in one activity. WooHoo! Plus they really expressed admiration for the courage that it took to run a marathon a day for over three months- on one leg, no less.

After the movie we decided that if Terry cold run a marathon a day, surely we could walk the whole run. So we did. I ran the first 5k (which is my current limit), and then walk/ran the rest of the way with a cheery grade 7 students who we shall call Junior Brave. He is an outstanding grass dancer and filled with a cheerful desire to connect with people. He was a fabulous running partner.

My students all started out running. Even the ones wearing flip flops! I encouraged them to walk when they got tired and take it at their own pace. One of my kids flew ahead of me and I didn't even see him for the first 2k. He has a LOT of energy. They all made it to the halfway point. Most of them made the whole trip. Even Flip Flop Girl. What great kids.

Then, in the afternoon we had outdoor games where students competed in cross-grade teams to earn points. All my students participated well. And there were so few issues between students, I was bursting with pride at our school and the amazing people who make up our learning community.

I hope to enjoy many more days that end with that feeling this year. I acknowledge that there will probably also be many more days that end with Tuesday's feeling as well. I just need to hang on to the feeling from yesterday to remind me why this is truly the world's best job.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday was a really horrible day. I had one point in the day where a student was throwing food at the rest of the class, and another point where a student refused to talk to me and just broke pencil after pencil to express his anger with me. At the end of the day it took all my strength to tell myself that it was one day, that it is not personal, and tomorrow will definitely be better.

And you know what, it was. I had a good day today. No one threw anything at me. And Gum Girl actually spit her gum out in the garbage when asked instead of saying, "No. No. No." to everything I said. No one ran out of the room and had to be hunted down by Fearless Leader. Everyone was actually working independently for a short time, in the afternoon. I am not sure how I could ask for more.

Now I sit here praying that it is the beginning of great things for my class.

The Leech

I have often heard women comment that men turn into babies when they are sick; needy, whiny, helpless. LK doesn't get really sick much. He usually toughs through it and just keeps trucking- albeit somewhat more crankily.

I got a real idea of what they mean this weekend. Jo was down with a fever for the first time. My was he clingy- I may rename him The Leech. If he was awake, he needed to be touching me. He hasn't eaten more than a biteful of rice in two days. And he kept me up all night last night. I am very earnestly praying that he gets an amazing night's sleep tonight and is in great shape tomorrow morning, because otherwise guess who gets to stay home with him?

The upside is that I got lots of snuggle time with a little boy who is increasingly independent every day. I can see the day when he will be too cool for mommy snuggles just dawning on the horizon. For now, even though I am exhausted, I will revel in how needed I am.

Dear African Government

Setting: The kitchen table in the Kaldeway home. EK & LK are doing dishes. Fi enters from living room with pencil and paper with Jo trailing behind.

Fi: Mama, I am writing a letter to the government. So they stop the endangering gorillas.

EK: Are you writing to the Canadian government? Because we don't have gorillas here in Canada. They live mostly in Africa.

FI: So, I would write to the African government?

EK: I guess so.

FI: Well, I don't really know how to spell African government.

EK: So what do we do when we don't know how to spell a word? (LK and EK look at each other and grin)

I cannot believe what come out of her mouth sometimes! Where did this child come from. And when did she turn into a passionate environmentalist.

Apparently this afternoon she and her father had a conversation about how trucks are bad polluters, so we should grow all our own food. LK pointed out that cows actually pollute much more with their gas, so maybe we could eat less beef. And the trucks also carry goods all over the country. We could also reduce pollution by having fewer people drive to work with only one person in their car. Or have more people take the bus or subway in places where those are options.

Running Home

It has been a crazy, hairy, insane week. However, today was the first day that I had no students either take off without permission or throw a tantrum in the classroom. What a great day! I actually stopped one of my students as she was on her way out of the room and told her that I was very proud of the really mature choices she had made today. I pray that this is the beginning of a trend. Because, truthfully, I am not sure how many days of having books and chairs thrown around the room and wondering where little JJ has run off to now I can survive. Where is any learning happening in that?

It was also payday Friday, which means school closes at noon and everyone in Grassy disappears to spend the loot. I stayed at school for a few hours to get Monday planned and completely reorganize my schedule, courtesy of a prep time schedule change. Then I realized that this also affects the entire elementary wing and the whole Resource staff. Grrrr! There are days when it may be wiser to just quit while you are ahead, or at least only slightly behind.

Anyway, I ran home after all the frustration. It has been over a week since my last run, courtesy of the crazy, insane week, and my deep desire for sleep. It felt SO good. The sun was shining, I had a little shadow follow my all the way- who didn't even get scared off when the big dogs tried to chase him off their turf, and I realized that even though this week was incredibly hard; we did it!

We are halfway to Thanksgiving. At this time last year I was spending time freaking out on the phone many nights dealing with culture shock and missing family and friends. This year I am spending time trying to teach LK everything he needs to know to survive a year of teaching. The feelings are just as intense, but a lot different.

Plus, I really love the thrill of a challenge.

Encyclopedia

As a teacher there are so many concepts you teach to students that become part of your instant-recall information bank. A lot of these are not concepts that most adults use in their daily lives. For example, fractions. We all use them when we shop to calculate 1/3-off sales and when we share anything from pie to cookies. But we rarely think about the reasoning behind fractions and why they are the way they are. Apparently most adults don't use the terms numerator and denominator in their daily conversations.

When working on planning math lessons this week, I was surprised the LK didn't remember the terms numerator and denominator, and why they work the way they do. Then I realized that musicians don't often use the why, they just read time signatures.

It is becoming apparent to me how much trivia is collected in the head of a teacher after a few years. Facts on the habitats of hundreds of animals, math addition, subtraction, multiplication, division facts, how to make four kinds of graphs by hand, a plethora of ways to figure out a word you don't know when reading, and so on. And that is just the 'content' related trivia. Then there are the social skills, and the problem solving strategies, and the 'teacher tricks'... the list is endless.

Perhaps this collection of seemingly unimportant trivia is the key to good teaching. A bank of background knowledge and resources that help us finds ways to support our students and make connections between what they already know and new ideas. I wonder if this encyclopedia in our heads is more valuable even than all the textbooks that fill our classrooms.

Just as a note... there are likely to be many 'professional' reflection posts this year as much of my time is now spent working in my own classroom or supporting LK in his. Too much school. (I can't believe I just said that!)

AWOL

Yes, I have been awol for a week. Very busy here. VERY VERY busy here.

There have been moments when I have wondered why... why this opportunity came up? why we ever thought it was a good idea? why are we killing ourselves trying to do this?

I also wonder what is the lesson and growing that we are to do in this. Last year was such a time of personal growth for both of us. It looks like another year of huge growing pains. Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like? As soon as you have completed one marathon, another- bigger one- is dropped into your lap? Oh boy, that is a tiring prospect.

Do I wish for my comfortable ignorant life back? Sometimes, but I couldn't go back to it now. So we move forward. Slowly, and longing for a few more hours sleep in a night.

Gratitude

My list of things for which I am grateful for today;

1. summer weather, even late
2. dancing, and the joy that we can express moving to music
3. sitting on the school porch just chatting
4. a son who is starting to feel comfortable in daycare
5. a daughter who wants to go to school everyday and says that she thinks its good that both her parents work at the school (I'll bet she wouldn't say that if she were 12)
6. colleagues that are fun to work with
7. the gorgeous view from my front yard
8. sunset, moonrise, when they happen within an hour of one another and there is a nearly full moon
9. teacher-talk with my husband that focuses on what great kids our students are, and how to support them better
10. a Father in Heaven who gives not only strength needed, but in abundance.

Hmmmm...

I have been sitting in front of the computer screen for 4 minutes trying to think of a title. My wit has deserted me. It's not the only thing. However, my humour is intact, as is my love for my family.

Fiona is having a great week. She loves her teacher and has sat at the dinner table giving us a play by play of her day for three days in a row. This is new for her. Getting details about what she was learning last year was like pulling teeth. It is wonderful to have her share about the things she is working on. Today they made fish, but, she clarified, not cooked fish. Paper fish.

Jo is barely crying at all when we drop him off in the mornings and is quite content when we arrive to pick him up, often playing with the other children or listening to a story. I am very glad that he is adjusting more quickly than we anticipated. I am increasingly positive that this experience will be good for him.

LK and I are pulling 13 hour work days and then all the family stuff on top of that. It is exhausting, but I hope that as he becomes more comfortable with reading curriculum guides and learns more of the teacher jargon, he will feel more comfortable planning lessons. I remember those first few days of the first placement where I was sure the students could tell that I had no idea what I was doing and just hoped that everything would work out. I at least had curriculum courses and a supervising teacher to provide some guidance, he is being baptized with fire.

There are people who are natural teachers, who are able to explain or support other people in learning well without a lot of training or instruction. LK has that gift. I have seen it in the way he interacts with our kids and with others. I see it in the way he thinks about planning lessons and how his students will or will not understand an idea. He asks the necessary questions without having been told what they are.

I really hope that we can survive the first 6 weeks and get to a place where this commonality is something we can enjoy rather than just endure. Because there is something really special about being able to share the things you love with your spouse. We have had the blessing of music for our entire relationship, we have enjoyed a short commonality in teaching while he was teaching band in TO, and now we have that overlap with Fi too. What a blessing!

Twas the Night Before School and All Through the House...

...every creature was scurrying, including the mouse. My we are in a hustle today getting lesson plans and calendars and lunch bags and outfits sorted out.

Jo has not been feeling well today and went to bed at 6:00. He spent most of the day sitting in my lap or sleeping. I pray that he is healthy tomorrow so LK and I can both go to work. Calling in sick on the first day of school is really not cool.

Fi is counting down the hours until school starts. She is over the moon about the creative writing program that her new teacher does (lights out, music playing and only silent writing). Over dinner she shared her morning plans with us; get up really early, get dressed right away without even her morning stretch, brush her teeth and wash her face before breakfast and then go right downstairs for breakfast. She is even planning to pack her own backpack with her lunch, since she is so grown up and a grade two now.

I am remembering all the details that I forgot in my classroom, and telling myself that everything doesn't have to be perfect the first day- such personal growth for me. I have got lunches made and every one's clothes laid out, ready to leap into. Somehow I have to get up when the alarm goes off, not half an hour later, and get a run in. If I don't I'll be all grouchy by the end of the day and no good to anyone at all. I anticipate that I will be the least tired member of the family tomorrow at dinner (as I am the old pro at this first day of school thing) and need to cook supper, etc.

LK is printing handouts and plans and going through the big box that was just dropped off. It is part of his classroom order that was not made by the previous teacher in the spring. He and I sat down and made an order last week. Some of it is here, and the rest will come by the end of the week. I imagine he won't sleep a wink tonight. He has only slept a few this week.

By Friday we will all be delighted to enjoy three whole days together without external demands on us. We will make it through the first week on the strength of prayer. We sure don't have what it takes to be what is needed by our children, students, and friends.

So, Lord, prepare hearts tonight. Pour out courage and strength on us. Let your grace flow through us to each person we meet tomorrow. May your name be honoured through the work of our hands and the words of our lips.

Amen and Goodnight.

Gone

Last night as I was falling asleep, I was halfway through a post in my head. Now, for the life of me, I can't remember it. It's just gone.

It's a day that makes me reflect on all the things that I love about my life. The weather is beautiful and hinting of autumn. We had a relaxed breakfast in town as a family. We bought school supplies for the three of us going back to school; lunch bags, pens, highlighters, etc. After lunch we went to the park to play and wander. It was a lovely day.

The only thing I would change about the day was that the library is still on summer hours and is closed on Saturdays. Ho-hum. I still haven't finished half the books I have on my nightstand, so it's not for the books. I just like to be in a place with so many books, and with people who like books.

I did run into one of our librarians in the grocery store though. I guess that will do for now.

Tired

I am tired.

Need more hours in the day to get it all done. I have new respect for the many parents out there who both work and juggle kids, too. It's a whole new level of giving. I miss reading.

That's all for now.

Opportunity Grasped

Today LK signed a contract with the school and is officially the new grade 7 teacher. We have become a two-teacher family.

This job is very clearly a gift. We began praying last spring for work for LK in the fall. He is feeling the weight of isolation, Jo needs time outside the house, and grocery prices jumped again. We had something part-time in mind. However, God rarely answers prayer in the way we expect. Always his answers are better for us in the long run than our hopes or wishes could ever be. The timing is tight, but that is also normal for God (at least in my experience). It is an opportunity that cannot be refused without refusing an answer to prayer.

I am thankful for this gift, and knock-kneed about meeting the challenge. Please continue to pray for courage and wisdom as we strive to meet the daily needs of our students and our children.

My Boys

Just look at those faces. I love these boys- well, really, one of them isn't a boy. But I love them. Fiona took this picture. Pretty impressive composition for a 5 year old.

My family rocks!

Calvin

LK is a big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. He has collected most of the treasuries and we have read them repeatedly. I always thought that Calvin was cute, but not entirely realistic. That was until Jo.

Now I have a real life Calvin. Sometimes I have no idea what to do with him. He seeks out trouble and dirt, demands chocolate milk daily, and is completely unrepentant when he whacks his sister over the head with a truck.

Other times all I can do is laugh. His grin is infectious. His curiosity is unquenchable. And I cannot resist his, "Pweese, Mama?"

My children have stretched me to new heights of patience and flexibility. They have helped me see the world through fresh eyes. But most importantly, they are teaching me the value of grace and forgiveness.

Ghosts

I think that everyone has people in their history that they haven't stayed in touch with, for various reasons, who may pop up unexpectedly. Today I had a friend from waaaaay back in high school pop up on facebook.

With the reconnection and requisite sharing of years' worth of news comes a host of memories that had been languishing in the back of my memory for a long time. Many of those memories bring a big smile to me face.

When I was in fourth grade my parents pulled up stakes and moved from northern BC to eastern Ontario. For me this was leaving what had been home for my whole life. They were moving closer to their roots and family. We ended up on a small town in the Ottawa Valley.

When my sisters and I were making the transition to high school, our mom was looking for a way to establish positive social relationships for us to help circumvent the temptations of small town high school life. There were not a lot of options to choose from, so she started a youth group in our church. This was one of the best parenting decisions, in my opinion, she ever made. We ended up with an amazing set of friends and experiences that impacted who we are as adults.

Every time I hear from someone who was connect to the PYP through retreats or service projects, Bible studies or sports tournaments I end up smiling. High school itself was not what I would title the best years of my life (not the worst either), but PYP events were definitely some of the best days and moments.

I wonder where everyone is, what they are doing, are they happy, did they sort through their hopes, dreams, and fears to find a place in God's kingdom that brings them joy?

Where is everyone now?

Opportunity Knocking?

I had a strange day at school today. The Head Honcho (not my principal, Fearless Leader, but the top dog at the school) sat down beside me in the Staff Room and said, "I have a new grade 7 teacher and its Laurens."

"MY Laurens?" I replied, somewhat puzzled.

"Yes," she grinned.

We chatted about the need for a grade 7 teacher and the possibility of my LK filling the position. I promise to ask him to think about it and get back to her. Then I went off to my class to putter on setting up furniture and bulletin board backgrounds. The whole time I was, of course, puttering in my head about this surprising new development. It was literally out of the blue for me.

Later I went to the office and sat down with Fearless Leader and Head Honcho and asked if they were perhaps joking earlier. We chatted some more, and did a bit of brainstorming and supposing. Again I promised to pose the idea to LK when I got home and get back to them.

Now we are discussing and weighing many pros and cons. We are praying constantly for clarity. Is this an opportunity for us as a family to take a great step forward in much faith, and to make a huge financial step forward out of our chasm of debt? Or, is this a chance to reaffirm our commitment to having a parent at home full-time and raising out own kids rather than farming them out to others? Much puttering in our heads tonight.

Please pray for us as we try to decide wisely. So many people's well-being to consider...

Anniversary

It's our anniversary today; Grassy and our family, that is. My how we have changed. Not on the outside. We both look almost exactly the same as we did when we got together last August. On the inside we are both different.

I can still feel the terror uncertainty of driving into a place that seemed completely foreign with no personal connections to ease the transition. If I close my eyes I can slip back into the emotions of that week. Excitement, nervousness, fear, disappointment, hopefulness. I remember lying in bed with LK those first few nights close to tears at what we had left behind and the mountain of newness we were facing here. There were nights that I slipped over the border into tearful questioning why we were here.

I still don't have a solid answer to why we are here. I do know that we have been changed. I am stronger and know that my family is stronger than before. I know that we have been changed by people we have met here. I am looking forward to exploring new relationships this year with students, colleagues and neighbours.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this small community in northern Ontario is building a little home in our hearts that will never disappear. I know for sure that this move was not in any way a mistake, and that we are the better for it.

Dilemma Solved

In the face of a problem I am most often inclined to gather information. It helps me to make not so knee-jerk well-thought out decisions. I have done the same thing with the FSL dilemma.

I sought advice from various other teachers on the issue and was left with the same dilemma; some people advised getting the FSL right away and others had concerns about being 'stuck' with a teaching subject that is not a passion for me. Hmmmm, not so helpful.

BUT I chatted with my long suffering spouse (who has infinite great patience with my waffling) and together we decided that I am not ready to try and pass this entrance exam. It would be much wiser to take my Primary AQ this fall, which I really want to take, and work on my French to do it later.

What does this mean for my hopes and plans for the future? I don't know. I do know that every step of my professional path has been as guided by God as my personal path. I have faith that God knows my whole family's needs and will provide for them bountifully. He always has in the past, and I have no reason to believe that He will change that now.

So, I am looking forward to an exciting fall with a course that I am keen to begin rather than dreading. That in itself is a sign that we made the right choice.

Horns of a Dilemma

I know that I agonize over every little medium-sized dilemma in my life like the decision I make will change the fate of the universe, but I like to make sure that I consider all the stakeholders and all the implications of each option. It does make for rather exhausting deliberations.

And now I am wrestling with another.

So, I love to learn and am planning to take courses on teaching for eternity, but having to keep deciding what courses to take. One might think its easy, take what interests you. That is definitely a good point, BUT... I have this idea in my head about where we are going as a family and I am not sure if taking what I love (although it would be most enjoyable) is going to be smart in terms of keeping myself employable.

In the past year and a half, the responsibility of earning money in our family has gone from a shared role between LK and I to my role. LK has taken on the full-time family management role. It has been a change that enabled us to slow down and enjoy our kids and one another much more than the busy juggling we used to do with two jobs. However, I have begun to appreciate the pressure that so many parents (single-income, or single-parents) feel in providing financially for their families.

I have spent the summer convinced that I really want to move back to southern Ontario to be closer to family and friends, and enjoy cheap groceries and gas (as well as VV and Winners, of course). Now that we are home again, I am not so sure.


I like my job. I like the people I work with. We have a really nice little home. We are starting to build a sense of community; the librarians welcomed us back when we first walked in (we have a bit of an unusual relationship with books and libraries in this family)! There were big smiles of welcome as we ran into neighbours from here in Grassy.

To be employable 'down south' I need to get my FSL course. That means passing an entrance exam in a week and a half. I am completely panicked somewhat concerned about passing that and about the work it will take to wade through the course, in which most of the required reading are in French. There is an element of my fear of failing in this reluctance, I admit. There is also a fear of ending up with a teaching subject on my resume that I am only really pursuing in order to get a job. I really don't want to be a French teacher. I really love being a classroom teacher. I love literacy and writing and books.

Now LK has made it clear that he supports whatever course of action I want to follow; security (or the illusion of it) or my passion. This is a dilemma that pinpoints the very core dichotomy of my being; the conflict between safety and risk.

Well now, that brings another element. Did I not spend the end of the school year promising myself that I would take those risks that I had been avoiding for years because of the "what ifs"? I was then thinking of trying to do something at which I may well fail. But now I think perhaps that following my passion is also a risk.

And perhaps I am driving myself mad with this navel-gazing over-analysis! But, if I am taking the FSL I have to register by tomorrow. If not, then I can relax a bit and register for another course.

Perhaps the most important aspect of making this decision has been left out of my whole process. I think because I am afraid that if I leave it up to Him, He will send me along a path that is not the one I want to take.

Still no solution...

Summer Reflections

It is inevitable with me that there is lots of reflection on a big event like our summer trip. So this is the first of several posts working through the good, the bad, and the ugly (weather).

It felt like coming home when we drove up to each house we visited this summer. Even though we have never been to some of them before. I think that says a lot about the amazing people that we are blessed to have in our life.

Waterloo felt like home because Dave, Em and the girls were there. My mom warned me right before our visit to Waterloo that I shouldn't be upset if things were different with our friends. I was worried that it might be awkward or we might not have anything to talk about. I didn't need to be. It felt like we had just been gathered for a BBQ in their backyard last week. It was a great reminder that friendships like this are a rare thing in adult life and ought to be treasured for their priceless value. I was also wonderful to watch Fi and Izzy play peacefully for hours (unless "the boy" tried to join in). Poor Jo didn't really find a place to fit with two more girls, but his time was coming. The highlight of our time with the J's for me was Sunday. A huge part of being in the J's life is participating in their huge family circle. The circle is open and warm and means that their house is often full of people; some related by blood, some by faith. Sunday Abby was baptized and the J's house was full of people. It was a taste of the sweet fellowship I know we will enjoy in heaven. Every visit with Dave and Em is a taste of that fellowship.

St. Catharines was home because the Koks are there. The visit with them came just as I was having my first 'too long away from home blues' and Stacy was the best person to work through that with. Her perspective on being far from family and working in a situation that is unfamiliar was grounded solidly in biblical adivce that helped me sort through my culture shock. I remember watching and eavesdropping on the conversations my mom had with her sisters-in-faith during my late elementary years and early high school and longing for that sense of openness and honesty with other people. With Stacy I have that. I can count on her for good advice and a kind, patient ear when I hurt. She also inspires me to be a better mother. I am constantly amazed at her patience with 4 kids under 6 (and she is crazy enough to have even considered a fifth). Our kids had a fabulous time playing together, and this time there were three other boys for Jo to play with. We all cried when it was time to leave, but knew that this is another place that is home because of the special people there.

Our last friends visit was with the Miles who were camping at Arrowhead. Again, no matter where I meet them the people who came into my life while I lived in TO are amazing. I am amazed that I could have so many families of people come into my life in one place and stay in my heart. Janelle and Jacob also joined us for a day at Arrowhead. Gathered around the firepit with Donna and Janelle felt like sitting around in the WCS staffroom gabbing together. The three of us were pregnant together and all had our sons (the little J's) within 2 months. Donna was supposed to have Joel after me, but she has a hot oven and pops them out early every time. Joel was due two weeks after Jo, but born a week before. These girls are my humour-heart. We gripe about our frustrations, laugh at one another's idiocies and celebrate the joy of our lives. Plus, as an added bonus Janelle really appreciates a good pair of heels.

There were so many moments where I had to stop and take a mental picture of the setting and the emotions I was feeling during these visits.

Watching my kids play with others they hadn't seen for a year of ever was wonderful. I saw how much my children have grown and changed in the last year. I saw how much the connections they had with friends has not changed. Fiona 'mothering' Izzy and setting boundaries for how Jo may and may not playing with them. Jo wading into every play situation with gusto and making friends everywhere we went.

Curled up chatting with my girls or wrestling with life decisions over chopping vegetables, or gathered around a backyard bbq brought moments of deep contentment. Those were the moments where everything stood still and I savoured the feeling of richness. I thank God for the people he has given to me as friends.

Watching my husband with other people and seeing him draw a shy child out, get down and play with the kids, step back and let others have the spotlight... all moments where I was awestruck by how much grace was poured out the day I was given this husband. I so do not deserve this man. But man, I love him.

So, although we have little material wealth we are rich beyonds measure.

Homeward Bound

Summer had been elusive here in the 'sunny south', and we are ready to head north again. The last load of laundry is in the dryer. The last trip to VV and Winners has been completed. A new bed for Jo and a new desk for Fi are loaded on the top of the car. We are enjoying the last few hours with the Kaldeways before we head home.

I am definitely ready to go home. It has been a very busy summer, and I am longing for the peace of our lake. I can just hear the loons echo in my memory if I listen carefully enough. I miss falling asleep in my own bed. I am ready to embrace our own routine and home again.

Lessons learned from this summer;

1. Three weeks is too long to spend in anyone else's house- even if you love them completely.
2. Kids travel well, but need the familiarity of home just as much as adults do.
3. Really good friends stay that way, even if you are 2 000 km away. Thank God for that!
4. God was being incredibly gracious the day he picked out my husband for me; I can never forget what a gift LK is.
5. I don't have to be the person anyone else wants me to be; I only have to be the person God created me to be. That may not be who my family thinks I should be.
6. I really do like the amenities of city life; enough to put up with the pollution.
7. We are a family of explorers, new places and people fascinate us. So we will make travel a priority all our lives.
8. I love green things, but they don't have to be wild. Cultivation is okay.
9. I love to run, and need it to help me stay sane.
10. My favourite place in the world to be is with my family.

So, all in all a good summer. Parts were challenging, parts were inspiring. It was all a wonderful adventure in relationships with the people we love most on this planet. We are heading home with the steadfast faith that we will be closer to these precious people soon. I am praying for a full-time teaching job somewhere south of Superior for next September.

Next post will be from our northern nest in Grassy. Thanks everyone for your TLC and patience with us this summer. You have made this summer a warm memory to hold us through a long winter.

xoxo

I Am a Runner

I started a running training program six years ago and finally finished it last week. I know that is somewhat slow progress; but I am pretty darn pleased with myself.

The program is supposed to take 10 weeks. I started after Fi was born, ran a 5k and then quit running. Started again after Jo was born and quit when we moved. Finally I started this spring with a friend and was determined to finish before the summer was over. It took me about 16 weeks, but I can run a whole 30 minutes without stopping! I have done it for two weeks in a row and am darn proud of myself.

We returned to Sarnia this afternoon after a difficult visit with my family (lots of rain, people struggling with the troubles of this world and very little physical space for anyone). As soon as was civilized, I went for a run. It felt great. It was the very first time that I have turned to exercise to help sort through my demons rather than food. I came back feeling fabulous and believing for the very first time that I am a runner.

I didn't take a watch or time my run, I just ran until I felt better emotionally. Now I feel like myself again- man does it feel good!

Risk

On my run this morning I was listening to songs randomly and most of them seemed to be pretty mellow. That wasn't great for my mood until this came on.

RISK

by Paul Brandt

I’d rather stand on the edge of a cliff
And hang my toes over a bit,
And then jump when they dare me,
Even if it scares me and I get hurt.
I’d rather build my wings on the way down,
Do my best not to fall to the ground
and then laugh at my mistakes
‘cause there only lessons I’ll learn.

I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control,
and laugh and dance and fall
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.

Well I guess I could just play it safe
and forget about love, hope and faith,
with my eye on the shore line,
keeping my boat tied and staying home,
ohhh but I’ll never discover new land
by keeping my feet on the sand
No I’d rather set sail
and get carried away by the storm.

I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and fall
and chance and kissI’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.
Oh I just can’t resist,
The chance to risk
Ohhh live, and love and laugh and dance and fall and chance and kiss.

It helped me work through all the mess in my head that has been building for weeks. Now I know what I want... and I will knock on God's door with relentless requests because I don't want to live wondering "what if" anymore.

Homesick, Already?

My in-laws are the most wonderful hosts, basically giving us the run of the house and allowing us to take over their kitchen pretty much completely. But there is that comfort of familiarity that is a part of being home that helps me relax completely. Now, realistically, if we were home right now I would definitely be going stir crazy.

Perhaps my problem is not so much homesickness as school sickness. I lean heavily towards workaholism, and really love my job. Every summer I go through a bit of school withdrawl. It doesn't hit until the first honeymoon weeks of summer vacation have passed and I am itching to be 'productive'. The trouble is we don't have a home of our own to work on, are travelling for most of the summer (so I couldn't cart my scrapping stuff without leaving a family member at home), and I really shouldn't break the bank shopping, even if it is Value Village and Winners.

So, I struggle through the days where I am just itchy and irritable. I try not to take every suggestion by others as criticism, and I wait for a project.

I suppose I could be working on my French...

A Week Already?

I can't believe that we have already been here a week. It feels like we've been here forever and like we just arrived at the same time. It has been a busy week.

LK and I have been able to run together for the first time since Fi was born. It's very nice. He lets me set the pace, as I am the slower runner, and we have a chance to chat about things. It is such a luxury to have Oma & Opa willing to watch the little people while we run or run errands. The kids love not being dragged around with us whenever we do errands.

This past weekend was the big anniversary celebration. The various events went remarkably well with only a few small conflicts. I was impressed with how various family members worked together to make it just what Oma & Opa hoped for. We had the most amazing dinner at On The Front, a restaurant on the top of one of the office buildings right down on the river. We wandered around on the roof of the 14th floor while waiting for our meal and watched the boats come in from Lake Huron. Jo loved it. The food was in the top 5 meals of my lifetime; bacon-wrapped chicken stuffed with cheese and herbs, garlic mashed potatoes to-die-for, and perfectly crisp greens beans. The pinnacle of the meal was the chocolate silk cake for dessert; pure, dark, sin-on-a-plate. Hands-down the best chocolate dessert I have ever tasted!

Last night we had had enough sitting around, and needed to get some fresh air and exercise, so we took the little people down to the waterfront. The waterfront is one of LK's favourite places in Sarnia. It was lovely. Jo ran about a kilometer to explore every inch of the space from the Bluewater Bridge to the Yacht Club. He climbed every hill, walked down every path, and threw the very biggest rocks he could lift into the lake. Fi was somewhat more sedate in her explorations, using the little camera to mimic her father. She has begun to ask more often to take pictures and has a very cool perspective on the world in her shots. LK was delighted to have perfect lighting for flash-free shooting and had a great time taking pics of his favourite models.

After eleven months of not seeing family at all, three days of everyone together it a little intense and we are somewhat peopled-out today. We are enjoying a very low-key day of play in the back yard (hooray for no bears to watch out for) and puttering on various little projects. Fi is lost in a world of her own with Barbies and Kens and lots of clothes to change them into. Jo is literally rolling in the green grass in the back yard.

City Life Ramblings

I have never claimed to be a wilderness kind of chick. It was with great trepidation that I said yes to a job way, way out of town. Living in a semi-remote situation was not exactly on my life list. However, it was a really good year. Hard in many ways, with lots of painful growing experiences, but really good. I know that LK and I have come out this June with a stronger marriage, deeper love, and more dependent on God for strength.

As June unfolded my anticipation of the familiar people and places we are going to see this summer built. After a marathon drive (we pushed ourselves to drive 23 hours the first day to be here early and surprise Opa for Father's Day) I am finally unwinding enough to do a little reflecting on our first few days down south.

First of all, I love the Bruce Peninsula. What a gorgeous area of Ontario. We have added it to our list of places to explore. Manitoulin Island is also on the list.

Second, my kids were amazing on the drive. They were cheerful for almost the entire trip, and endlessly patient with LK and I pushing on as far as we could each drive.

Now to my main rambling point... My first reaction on arriving in Sarnia was that everything is so manicured. There is mowed grass everywhere. I was also surprised by how much I noticed the smell of car exhaust. The city really does stink. Apologies to my folks who used to mention that TO was a little smelly and I thought they were being overly sensitive. You are right, peeuw.

On the other hand, what a treat to be able to pop out to the grocery store if an ingredient is forgotten for dinner. I can put the kids to bed, then go out to VV and Winners to shop for an hour and still have time with family when I got home. I like the close amenities. The kids love being able to run on the lawn barefoot without worrying what they might be stepping on. I love being able to have them play outside without going out on bear-watch myself.

It is bliss to be able to sit out on Oma & Opa's back patio together, watch the kids play and chat in the evening. In some ways it feels like we were here yesterday for out last visit rather than a year ago. It is wonderful to watch LK with his parents. He has worried from afar all winter and felt so unable to help. Now he can wade in and do stuff that he knows helps carry the burden a little bit. I love that man!

"He's a good Daddy," says Fi, who is reading over my shoulder as I write. Truer words were never spoken.

I had a flash forward three weeks this morning which brought me out of my 'living in the moment' to sitting out on my own parents deck, visiting and watching the kids playing. It made me long for our time with them to be here as well.

I am very thankful to have family on both sides that we can be with and be ourselves with. I am thankful that they are willing to let us camp out in their homes for extended visits this summer. I am thankful that we have this time to travel to see our loved ones. If LK was working full time we would be home for the summer.

Today I am committing to living in the moment for the duration of this summer trip- enjoying the here and now of each visit without looking ahead and longing for the next to come. There is time enough to see and enjoy everyone.

I will likely be a bit erratic in posting for the next few weeks. Time with family trumps blogging.

So Close

Grad is finished, the gym is cleaned up, OSRs are updated. My desk is the last thing to be cleaned, which is my job tomorrow morning.

28 hours to go until we head south!

Summer Begins

The heat arrived this week, and with it the bugs. Blackflies, mosquitoes, flying ants, and a whole host of other biting creatures that I have never seen before. It makes outdoor activities risky if the wind dies down.

However, this week has also brought the end of school. Fi's last day was today. Tomorrow teachers are working in the morning, exams finish up for HS, and graduation/awards are in the afternoon. The whole year gets wrapped up with a fish fry for the school community.

LK and Jo were in Winnipeg for the day getting the car tire fixed from my jaunt off the road in the fall so we can travel safely. They had a good, although long, day. We grown-ups are pooped but excited as we start the packing. The little people are flying higher every day as we count down.

Only 3 more sleeps!

Where Did My Week Go?

Monday night we had a closing potluck for our Small Group which was lovely. LK again was shafted when none of the other guys made it. So it was him and the women, again. However, we learned that 45% of the students had been away from school and the flu was sweeping through Grassy (but not N1H1, in case anyone is panicking). School was closed for Tuesday and Wednesday. Since reports were due on Thursday, that opened up my schedule to finish them off in a totally relaxed manner. This has never happened to me before- writing report cards in a relaxed manner. It was wonderful. I still got to spend the evenings with my family instead of holed up at the computer, writing.

Thursday LK, Jo and Fi went into town to get the car ready for the trip. Unfortunately Jo barfed all over his side of the car just before they got to town. It shows what a trouper my spouse is that he just kept trucking with the windows open. So, while the car was in for its medical, the family toddled off to 'the Walmart' to get a clean outfit for Barf Boy. The trip was quickly edited to essential errands only, and the Barfmobile was driven home (with Fiona plugging her nose all the way) and aired out as soon as possible.

I raced home after school to check on my family, worried that they were all coming down with the flu just before summer holidays. Jo is fine- he may have been carsick. LK is suffering more from exhaustion due to his lack of sleep over the past two weeks. He is dealing with a mysteriously growing case of poison ivy that won't go away, and he can't get comfortable enough to sleep at night. Fiona was a ray of sunshine, completely enjoying having four days in a row off school. She is pretty much on her summer schedule already.

Suddenly it is Friday and I have started the big clean up in my classroom. Our orders for next year have already come in, and they are all put away. So how can I possibly feel behind the 8-ball? Well, I am in the early end-of-year clean-up; which is always overwhelming. I have to organize and pack clothes for all four of us that will fit in the car, prepare us for all kinds of weather, and get us through an anniversary weekend as well as camping. That, my friends, is a task for Super-Mom. She doesn't live here. I wonder where I can find her?

To keep everything in perspective, my kids are an absolute delight these days. Jo is experimenting with sounds and words constantly. He is trying to count, but can only go "1, 2, 1, 2". He has discovered Leo Lionni books and loves to read about fish. Fiona is resonating with excitement about our trip. She lists the people we are going to see that she loves and misses daily. They are such amazing creatures. I constantly wonder, how in the world did I get to parent these amazing creatures?