Affirmation

I do a lot of second guessing when I make a decision. Little decisions and big decisions, it doesn't really matter. I definitely lack confidence in knowing that I have done the right thing- from what is appropriate to wear to an event to what job to accept and, consequently, where to live. I have spent a LOT of time analyzing and discussing ad nauseum over the past month the latter. (Interestingly, the former has become a lot less important- and if you know me well, that's quite a change.)

My friends and family have been extremely patient with my navel gazing this month, for that I am very grateful. I hope that this season has come to an end, because last night I got a phone call from a beloved sister in Christ who gave me great encouragement that what are about to do is the right thing to do. A few posts ago I was looking for a burning bush or an open sea ready to walk across. I got it. So now I am full of confidence that Grassy Narrows is part of God's plan for our lives.

Unfortunately confidence doesn't erase fear. I am still afraid of the changes- mostly the changes that will happen within me in the next twelve months. I know that LK and I will come out of this very different than we are going in. I know that I shouldn't be afraid of change- in fact I usually instigate change and embrace it wholeheartedly, but I am learning as I grow up that change in your own heart often is hard. It usually involves letting go of some aspect of myself that I liked or enjoyed- but was not in God's image. So I now anticipate more transformation.

My mother says...

My mother has always been a source of encouragement for me. She usually has something to help me stay on track, or is able to gently redirect me if I am way off track. I have been calling her daily over the past week. Sometimes I just need to hear that moving is never easy, and when you have 25 days to get everything you own packed or purged, go on holidays with family, and drive 2, 000 km it is downright hard.

Two days ago she said to me, "Right now every problem that comes along makes you go, 'Oh no, what now?', but eventually you get to the place where a new problem makes you say, 'Okay, how will we deal with this one?'" That was when it really hit me that just because something is God's purpose for your life doesn't guarantee that it will be easy. In fact, if I am following God's purpose it makes sense that it will be hard. How can we be refined into gold without struggle?

I can't believe I am saying this. All my life I have hidden from the refiner's fire because I knew it would get hot. Now I feel like I am running straight into it! But I am amazed at how God has changed both Laurens' and my hearts in such a short time.

We were enjoying a walk to the grocery store this afternoon (there won't be any of those soon) and LK said to me, "It seems like this has all happened so fast, but really we have been thinking about this for over three weeks already." It doesn't seem like it has been fast because we usually deliberate over things FOREVER.

In hindsight, I can see the seeds for this move planted in the past two years of our lives. We have both struggled increasingly with where we are in our lives, both professionally and as a family. We both like the predictable path we currently walk in this small corner of TO. We also long for something more, but what we didn't know. God's world is so much bigger than the GTA. He gave us an itch for change that just wouldn't go away, and now he is leading us on his path which is going to lead us right through that refiner's fire.

The Red Sea

The last time we moved we didn't have children. What a difference that makes. I am overwhelmed with the details and so little time to get it all together. Our new accommodations are furnished, so we only need to bring clothes, linens, and kitchenware. What in the world do we do with all the rest of our stuff?
On one hand it would be very freeing to leave most of the paraphernalia of life behind and start fresh. On the other hand, our stuff may be the only familiar thing there. Today I just want the sea to open and walk across on dry land. Where is Moses when you need him?

Westward, ho!

We did it! We signed on the dotted line and committed to a year in Grassy Narrows. Now we are excited, terrified, and making lists madly.

Grassy Narrows is on an Ojibway reserve 80km north-east of Kenora, ON. I will be teaching grade 4. Fiona will be attending SK at the school. Laurens will be managing the home front and keeping tabs on Josiah during the day. He also hopes to get back into cooking. Lots of practice with his camera is a given, and you'll see updates on his Flickr site regularly. I will try to post some pics here as well.

So this blog is probably going to morph into a journal of our grand adventure. Of course, God will feature prominently, as He is the author of our adventure. I will narrate and hopefully be able to share the ups and downs with those who love us.

We covet your prayers as we prepare for this trip. 2,000km in a moving van and tin can (our car) is not exactly an ideal way to travel, but it will get us there together. We plan to move out of Toronto August 11 and arrive in Grassy Narrows on August 15.

I'm Done!

Hooray! I just finished and emailed in my final assignments for my final course in finally finishing my B. ED. I need to celebrate, chocolate will definitely be involved, but tomorrow because it is 11:00 and I don't need the caffeine at this hour. I think, chocolate chip cookies...

Now to prep for my job interview.

11:59

I have a former colleague who likes to say that God's favourite time is 11:59. What he means is that God often waits until the last moment to give us direction or a push to follow him. Well, I have been praying and waiting for His push since April. The clock has been ticking away, with midnight (September) looming closer. LK and I are pretty big on having a plan and covering bases, although I have a bit of wild and crazy risk-taking in me that occasionally asserts itself (I consider it an openness to the Spirit- my husband has another name for it).

If you know me, you know we have had a roller coaster month with each few days bringing more bits of information to add to our pot and no end to the cooking time (except that ticking clock). Almost two weeks ago I had a job offer for a job in northern Ontario that was a big change. But the Lord told Abraham to go, and Abraham didn't even know where he was going. So we tried to be open. We have weighed the job offer, researched the cost, gains, and impact on us and found ourselves wanting to begin a new adventure.

We were all set to sign a contract for a teaching position that meant a huge move to a part of the province that neither of us ever thought would be a part of our reality- north of Superior. I had the letter of intent signed and ready to scan and email back to the school board. Until I got home from my course today. There was a message from a school in Mississauga for an interview. What could I do? I called and they wanted to set up an interview for Monday.

So now we sit and wait through another weekend, trying with all our might to trust in God. Honestly, I am disappointed. I was set, so was LK. We are both trying to hold on. Mississauga makes sense financially and for community, but it doesn't have the same wide-eyed possibility...

More Monday after my interview.

The Danger of Prayer

So I have taken this leap (without the requisite looking first) and spent a lot of time praying in the past three months. I have been quite specific in my prayers regarding a new job; if there is somewhere God wants us to be, then keep it simple (as we sometimes over complicate and don't get the message) and give me one interview, one job offer and one option. It seems that God has taken that request seriously.

I have had one interview, on the phone no less, one offer (currently being prayed over and discussed in obsessive detail) and two options. The option for change is to move to a small native community north of Kenora, ON on a very short timeline. I have been offered a grade 4 position. The option for staying the same is to wait for the hiring season that occurs in August and make a gazillion more applications, hoping to get an LTO or onto a supply list. Not an easy decision. LK and I have been agonizing over the possibilities and details. FK is agog at our discussions and wants to go on an adventure.

On one hand it opens up amazing opportunities for us to learn and grow. A whole world of Canadian politics, history, geography, people... On the other hand it takes us a 24-hour drive away from family that we already feel far from (geographically speaking). I wanted to move closer to family, not further away!

So I sit and think over the power of praying. When you pray, God listens, although sometimes his responses are not what you hoped for. I have learned that his answers are always better in the long run than anything you would have chosen for yourself. So now we try to determine his will (not an easy task) and make our decision.

Neighbours and Navels

Home again in The City. I took the little people to the water park today and met a friend for a playdate. They had so much fun running through the water and playing in the sand. It was great to watch. I was again reminded of the blessing of friends.

There is much that I love about this city... more variety in language, skin colour, food, music, clothing, than I have ever experienced before. I love to feel like a little part of the big picture. I love that everyone is different and that makes me feel free to be different in my own way.

There are also the shortcomings of a large urban center... traffic, pollution, lack of connection with parts of this world that are God-made (not concrete and glass).

However, it is home. The people who matter the most to me are here. Anywhere they are is home. I know with absolute certainty that at the end of the day I am safe and loved with them. What more could I ask?

Perhaps it is good to have times in one's life where there isn't a plan or a known destination. Perhaps we must learn to be less focused on control of the situation ourselves and more focused on being an active part of the situation to make a difference for the better.

As LK and I contemplate change, I am being opened to the bigger picture, much bigger than I. My petty worries and concerns are so small compared with the challenges and injustices faced by neighbours. Check out this article at http://www.alternet.org:80/environment/89138/?page=entire&ses=aa31255d92919ae56dc5a1581826c9b8. Perhaps I should focus less on my navel and more on my neighbour.

Just keep Swimming...

You know the character Dory in the movie "Finding Nemo"? I think of her often with her confused, but ever-cheerful litany to just keep swimming despite lack of direction or confusion. I feel like Dory today.

My job interview for Monday was cancelled at the last hour and so we managed to get to Sarnia to visit family for Canada Day after all. FK was so delighted that we could actually make the trip (to honest we all were). We had a great day until after dinner. FK had been compaining of a sore tummy and had some indigestion all day, but once we got all set up in our spot to wait for fireworks she got hit with a bout of diarhea and so I packed up our two little ones and came back to Oma & Opa's early. FK was feeling so badly that she didn'y even mind missing the fireworks. She was up four times last night. Now both little ones are sleeping and hopefully recovering from two very tiring days and tummy bugs.

I am trying not to be anxious about work stuff and trust that the Lord has it all in hand, but I am not doing very well right now with it all. I want to know where I am swimming to! But I don't so I just keep swimming...